An SEO company cold called me today. It was great; she showed me how she got one of her clients a #1 spot in Google! The #1 spot was for a term that gets searched for on avg. 8.6xday but that’s irrelevant. She also spilled all of her secrets to SEO success on me, so I may share with you.
Top SEO Secrets <----Get a pen
1-Put a picture of a lady that looks half business woman and half house wife on the top of your site. She stressed this point
2-Put a picture of a guy with a cell phone. It doesn’t matter where, just as long as you have a picture of a guy with a cell phone.
3-Put a W3C logo and link on your site.
I’ve been doing it all wrong!
If I may make a quick side note. I did NOT take this lady’s words out of context to make them ridiculously funny. She really did believe these three things determined who was first in the SERPS.
Let the traffic roll in!
I told her I desperately needed some SEO for one of my sites named BlueHatSEO.com. She took a look at the site and noticed my guy with the jacket. I assured her that it would be promptly changed to a half home wife half business woman, just as soon as I could. She was relieved. I asked if she could get me ranked #1 for “blue”, #1 for “hat”, and #1 for “SEO”. She told me she certainly could but I wouldn’t want to rank for those terms. Instead the smart thing to do would be, to have her “keyword technician” do some math and find the term that would be most beneficial to my business.
I don’t know. I kind of liked the idea of ranking #1 for SEO, but I guess ranking #1 for “cottagebaconmix” would be more beneficial to my business. 
I’m not going to crap down this lady’s neck too much; cold calling is a shitty enough business to be in after all. For god sakes though have some pride! Don’t let someone with a website with “Advanced SEO Tactics” in giant blue letters right across the top keep you on the phone for 45 mins asking questions like what is Google, because they probably don’t need your help as much as the next person on your call list. Though it was pretty hilarious hearing her freak out when Rob kept tapping the Mario Bros. themed hold button really fast.
So this was a crappy post with no real point to it except prove that I’m a jerk to telemarketers. Please listen to me SEO companies. Don’t cold call people! If you want customers, rank for terms they are going to use when trying to find you. Honest, if you asked your knowledgeable friend what a good SEO company would be and he responded, “I don’t know, search for SEO company and go with whoever is on top.” You honestly couldn’t say that would be bad advice.
thanks alot for making me look like a total jerk.its not half the crappy job u think it is by the way and when ur short for money u wouldnt mind taking it either.anyways about me explaining all the details about google and search engines etc, i really thought u were that simple-minded since the nintendo sounds couldve proven my point under different circumstances..well as crappy as ur post sounded at least i get my first mention in a blog.thanks u mean blogger person:)later
Well hello telemarketer, I am stoked you decided to do some reading up on SEO. It truly is the first step to making your company legitimate. As shitty as being a telemarketer is, being a con artist is worse. However “mean blogger” is not the proper term you should use to refer to me. After all I did take it quite light on you, despite my opinions on your business. I never posted your company name or website address(I noticed you didn’t either). I also never mentioned your name or your clients website. In the future please refer to me as “mean telephone person.” Which is so true and obvious even I was forced to admit it on the post.
I’m sure at the point of reading the post you were too pissed about the information than to actually heed some of the advice. I may not have very much experience in gathering SEO clients, but I will be happy to share my big secret to gaining clients with you.
The more knowledgeable you are in regards to your business, the more knowledge you can pass on to your clients. The more accurate knowledge you spread to your clients in an easy to understand manner, the easier it is for them to accept you as an expert in your field. Once they accept you as an expert in your field they know they can trust you enough to hire.
Sorry if this went against your “i really thought u were that simple-minded” policy. You tried to play me for a fool, and I played you for a fool. So the way I see it is, we’re even. Perhaps if I would of gotten the call when you had a little more experience and could of successfully explained SEO to a newbie like myself instead of trying to hustle me with your “keyword technician” I probably would of been really impressed. The post might have had a little more of a recommendation tone to it than a HAHA WTF? tone.
ps. Mentioning you was my pleasure
hilarious…
Hey Eli, you know what, i think i need such an advice, i really liked “the easier you spread the knowledge the easier for people to accpet you as an expert”, starting today i will apply it from the very first call, and i wish it will work out,
later
I just got here from digg and what can I say - you made my day! a classic…
Very amusing.
I have taken down some notes and intend on applying those valuable techniques to my own websites. Im hoping to reach No.1 position for “MP3″, “Video” and also “Sex”. I realise it might be a little trickier so Im going to use not 1 but 2 pics of women that look like “half business woman and half house wife” to ensure my success, wish me luck. Thanks in advance.
ROLF !!!
))))))
This blog is the best blog ever! Eli I would like to meet you one day… maybe I can hold a mobile phone and you can take a picture of me standing near a half business woman and half house wife, that will save you time for all your websites…
lol
I love your blog.
By the way Is this gogeous half house / half business woman available?
Ohh, my, fucking, holy, god. This is hilarious! How does this post only have 8 comments. This is the funniest post on this blog ever! (and this is the best blog ever)
This is funny man. I bet she must have got some customers though! If a person has not learnt any SEO in their life, they have no idea how they get ranked higher, and having an picture of an half business woman half house wife picture in their homepage sounds plausible! lol
You are correct Neil….
There are many other secrets which i am not going to tell you