An SEO company cold called me today. It was great; she showed me how she got one of her clients a #1 spot in Google! The #1 spot was for a term that gets searched for on avg. 8.6xday but that’s irrelevant. She also spilled all of her secrets to SEO success on me, so I may share with you.

Top SEO Secrets <----Get a pen
1-Put a picture of a lady that looks half business woman and half house wife on the top of your site. She stressed this point
2-Put a picture of a guy with a cell phone. It doesn’t matter where, just as long as you have a picture of a guy with a cell phone.
3-Put a W3C logo and link on your site.

I’ve been doing it all wrong!

If I may make a quick side note. I did NOT take this lady’s words out of context to make them ridiculously funny. She really did believe these three things determined who was first in the SERPS.

Let the traffic roll in!

I told her I desperately needed some SEO for one of my sites named She took a look at the site and noticed my guy with the jacket. I assured her that it would be promptly changed to a half home wife half business woman, just as soon as I could. She was relieved. I asked if she could get me ranked #1 for “blue”, #1 for “hat”, and #1 for “SEO”. She told me she certainly could but I wouldn’t want to rank for those terms. Instead the smart thing to do would be, to have her “keyword technician” do some math and find the term that would be most beneficial to my business.

I don’t know. I kind of liked the idea of ranking #1 for SEO, but I guess ranking #1 for “cottagebaconmix” would be more beneficial to my business. :)

I’m not going to crap down this lady’s neck too much; cold calling is a shitty enough business to be in after all. For god sakes though have some pride! Don’t let someone with a website with “Advanced SEO Tactics” in giant blue letters right across the top keep you on the phone for 45 mins asking questions like what is Google, because they probably don’t need your help as much as the next person on your call list. Though it was pretty hilarious hearing her freak out when Rob kept tapping the Mario Bros. themed hold button really fast.

So this was a crappy post with no real point to it except prove that I’m a jerk to telemarketers. Please listen to me SEO companies. Don’t cold call people! If you want customers, rank for terms they are going to use when trying to find you. Honest, if you asked your knowledgeable friend what a good SEO company would be and he responded, “I don’t know, search for SEO company and go with whoever is on top.” You honestly couldn’t say that would be bad advice.